too far gone

She will, in fact, get up the courage to do that one thing that she's needed to do for a few years or so now...someday. If that day comes very soon, that would be wonderful. If not…she will live. She’s gone this long, right?

What’s the point in letting go of something when you can't remember what it was like to not hold on? Because..what then? What to you do when you no longer have that one thing-that one constant thing that always comes back.

So what if it's sucking the air right out of your lungs, and so what if the few moments that make you so happy are overshadowed by the many that make you miserable? Is it worth that pain? Apparently, she has decided that it is. Apparently, there is still hope. There's not.

There is no chance of it ever being good-really good. How could it be, when, regardless of what happens in the future, the past will always hang luminously overhead like a dark cloud?

So is this desperation? Is this the point where nothing really seems to make sense anymore?

Damn, she's there. She's so freaking lost she doesn't even know which way is up. Constantly tangled in this delusional web, constantly looking for escape-but hoping she doesn't find it..hoping that somehow she will be rescued. She knows she won't.

Sure, there was a time when hoping wasn't a lost cause and when dreaming made sense. Those days are long gone now, and there's no chance in hell they are ever coming back.

Too far gone. Way too far gone.

Forgetting won't work, because she's tried that at least a million times. Hating it…hating the cause of her pain..now that's a joke. Isn't that the whole problem? If she hated it, then there would never have been an issue at all.

Well shit, that would have been nice. Erasing this whole thing-this thing that has been there for the past four years or so.

Nope, that wouldn't work either. Because then, what would her life be? It's who she is, and as much as that sucks, it's undeniable.

It's like this ridiculously bad day..that never ends. It's like…a joke. It's a bad joke that gets played on you, and as much as you laugh and laugh and pretend it doesn't hurt-it does.

It tears you up inside, but you go on..because you have to.

What other choice is there? There isn't one.

There isn't forgetting, there isn't hating, there's loving…but screw that. Where has that gotten her? Here-and here is nowhere near where she wants to be. Here is hell.

Will she wake up someday and finally be at peace? Will she escape this torture? Yea, she's got to. How could she not? But it's the waiting that sucks, it's the waiting that kills you…slowly.

Piece-by-piece your heart is disassembled.

It's not like breaking-it's not a clean break that can be repaired. No…it's a detachment. The pieces get scattered over the years.

They're lost by now.

Too far gone.

That’s what she is.